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2015年2月6日 星期五

Oslo, where you could only make friends with fjord


Oslo is the city that I had no chances to visit when I was based in Sweden from 2010-2012. Actually at the time I didn't have the feeling that I must go there. I suppose that one of the reasons was that a friend of mine told me that Oslo was the most boring capital in the world. The high price also served as the straw that blocked my way to this city.

After I came back to Taiwan, I read a book about one guy's life in Norway. It was well written and I really enjoyed the stories and words. Most important of all, the author made this book stand out by presenting deeper insights on what he had observed and learned from Norwegian society and by depicting the "bad sides" of Nordic country that would be only echoed by the people who had Scandinavian experiences. 

I was so thrilled by this book. So when I decided to go back to Europe to see all my friends and and to talk to the professors last year, Oslo was on my must-see list. 

And I did go visit this city last November. I stayed with a Belgium host who was studying at Oslo University. We went for a walk in the forest and ascended to the top of the hill next to his dorm, where one could get a spectacular view of Oslo fjord. This is the best part of the city: one could easily reach nature as if the capital city was located in a national park.


However, one would also easily get bored. Oslo has a very special manner that makes the air seems to be saturated with bored particles. I don't know why, but there is something missing in Oslo that makes this capital city not so charming at first sight. The high price also plays its part here. As a "Swedish" guy who has used to the ridiculous figures seen in super market, its the first time that I felt so desperate when buying food in a supermarket, not to mention that the items you could chose from were much fewer that you did in Sweden and Denmark.  (Well, I might visit the wrong store...lol)

Anyway, even though the first short encounter was kind of good, I did not have a strong motivation to come back either as tourist or a PhD fellow. Oslo was like a beautiful, tranquil lake, but there were no ripples which indicated dynamics as if silence was the only flow of energy.


A couple of days later, I had the second encounter with Oslo. This time I stayed in a hostel. But I had the chance to hang out with a Dutch guy. We went for a walk around the harbor area. There were a lot of restaurants, galleries, and some other fancy buildings, but there were not so many citizens. It was really weird since it's a capital city. Nevertheless, it was also amazing and refreshing because one could enjoy the serenity made of waves hitting the coast. 

At that moment, I found this place attractive. It's a lonely city where you would not be able to have a far-reaching social network, which meant that only very few people fell into the category called "friend". The nature might be considered another friend since you would always hear the same loyalty echo no matter how the world or the people surrounding you have changed. 

I believe Oslo could present thousands of faces. It simply reflects traveler's personality and the way he or she perceives and connect to the world. Therefore, an outgoing person would still be able to brew a nice, warm cup of tea on the basis of cold social relations. As for a depressed person, no matter how charming and bright the city manages to be, all the colorful pieces would still be outshone by the gray clouds.

I believe I still have the opportunity to go back to the city and cultivate different facet of Oslo. I am not sure if I will be able to thaw the permafrost. But I know that the fjord will be standing there, echoing the same sound only I could capture. 


2014年4月28日 星期一

The fascist mind in civil society

Then you see that domination exists even in the thing you have faith in. You start sensing totality, absolutism and flavor of magical thinking. You start capturing how both obedience and intolerance of dissent loom large the way one easily gets terrified. Violence is followed by denials while sacrifice is taken for granted. Eventually you realize the good old days have far gone. You either seek excessive power to reproduce the game rules or leave the once promised land for good. And you know you will, no doubt, choose the latter.

I will always be the on the other side of fascism. If the social actors who dedicate themselves to the rooted democracy ignore or even deny any signs / tendencies of fascism, they will confront with my withdraw and deepest hostility. 

I'd had faith in you, my land. Farewell. 


2014年4月23日 星期三

矛盾

經過今天短暫的談話,我反而更加沮喪困惑。

我選擇不參與審議討論,並不代表我就是選擇坐以待斃。我只是認為,反服貿如果要反得徹底,那就絕對不只是反黑箱/獨裁/中國而已,還要挑戰現行的經濟生產模式(以及伴隨而來的人際關係)。換句話說,反黑箱就是反目前的生活方式。但是,我知道我做不到。我只知道,因懂得規則而擁有社會與文化資本的自己,只能矛盾又悲哀地在可以忍受(或視而不見)的範圍內,對抗新自由主義的浪潮。也因此,在摸出自己的底線之前,我絕對不會抱持樂觀正向的態度去參加任何在我看來處處是新自由主義影子的審議民主。也許我們在某些時候,太過在意民主"決策"與法制"架構",進而使我們過於專注在塑造所謂的"公民",而就在這樣的過程當中,我們不僅可能忽略了這些審議討論背後所被忽略的、也該獲得重視的資本累積、分配不均以及相應的社會結構,更可能一個不小心就成了讓新自由主義政府運作得更柔軟(且更合法)的幫兇。

聽起來超級矛盾,但聰明智識有限的我,目前也想不出任何答案了。

2013年7月29日 星期一

八月三十一日,我在奧斯陸



(本文同時po在批踢踢movie版)


也許是過度解讀,也許是一廂情願地自我投射,但我是真心覺得,與其說<八月三十一日,我在奧斯陸>是在捕捉一個吸毒者是怎樣地無法融入原來的人際關係,倒不如說是在述說一個知道自己生命已然改變的孤者,在尋找能夠理解那份憂傷的人的故事。


「我希望有人能為我真心感到難過。」


其實Anders早就知道自己格格不入了。現在的他,要的不是裝作沒事一般回歸主流生活,也不是要他的親朋好友能待他如往昔。他要的,只是一個能夠了解為何他會走上這條路的人、一個能體會他所付出的代價的人、一個知道這份格格不如有多麼孤寂多麼難受的人、一個能支持他帶著這些傷疤繼續往前邁進的人。只可惜,Anders身邊的人都無法理解那份孤寂,而且還在他面前細許著自己的憂愁。更有甚者,自己最親密的家人與前女友,也無法體會(或者說是無法諒解),而拒絕與現在的Anders聯繫。


換句話說,孤寂與哀傷等負面情緒,要能夠找到交集,是份非常困難的事情。在明亮的餐廳,女孩的夢想是多麼容易說出口與人分享,但同樣被陽光穿透的公園哩,卻有人默默承受著那無法言喻的哀愁。我相信當哀傷也能夠與人分享的時候,它會因為變得更加真實而形成一股可貴的支持力量。但投身於相對極端的負面事物時(像是吸毒),幾乎找不到一丁點共鳴就是所必須付出的代價。


如果曾經參與過生命軌跡的人,都無法參透那份孤寂時,就更別期待陌生人了。也許陌生人能帶來歡愉,甚至是溫暖,但那終究不是Anders渴望的能夠長久支撐他得力量,因此他轉身離開泳池,留下看似不解,卻又顯得不甚在乎的女孩。最後他回到自己的家,為自己注射過量的海洛因,回到那份只有自己能理解的情緒裡。也許如此一來,他將會更加孤獨,但是我想,無法為自己的哀傷找到共鳴與交集,也許才是更難讓人承受的孤寂吧。





2013年4月20日 星期六

A scorched sun doesn't make any silver lining at all

Vienna, summer 2011


Both Before Sunrise and Before Sunset have been quite famous since they were released in 1995 and 2004 respectively. The way of storytelling based on conversations demonstrates how unique they are and why some people are obsessed with them.


After finishing watching Before Sunrise for the first time, I did really like it.  But what impressed me more was the idea of taking train from Budapest to Paris Lol.  I told myself that I must go to Europe and do the same thing! Well, I mean taking trains across the Continent, not meeting random girl, which is good of course. Anyway, I did fulfill this self promise during my two-year study in Europe. Thanks to Schengen agreement, the good transportation system and interrail pass, I could indulge myself in the ecstasy emerged from all the unrestrained moving. Moreover, the added values of all the journeys were the people I met, the stories I go to know and how they've taught and encouraged me. All in all, PEOPLE, wherever I met or bummed into, are the most supremely beautiful elements comprising my days in Europe. 


No sooner had I come back to Taiwan than I realized how much I changed. All the changes should have been blessings. But now they look like courses and afflictions that join forces to torture me. I am not going to dive into the details.  Anyway, I did really miss Europe, and therefore I watched Before Sunrise and Before Sunset the other day again Lol. I was so emotional as soon as I finished Before Sunrise this time. It reminded me of the freedom I have been in pursuit of. Most important of all, it partly exemplified the answer to life I have been looking for. I did find it somewhere and I knew how different life would be if I stuck to it.  


Someone might say that I simply romanticized what I've experienced. Well, I believe that we as human beings somehow usually incline to romanticize the thing we think of as "this is it". Furthermore, the romanticization might become more formidable if this thing is lost or taken away. I think this is the reason why I could partly get what Julie Delpy said in Before Sunset (even though it was not the same with my case) :


 "I was fine, until I read your fucking book! It stirred shit up, you know? It reminded me how genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things, and now it's like, I don't believe in anything that relates to love. I don't feel things for people anymore. In a way, I put all my romanticism into that one night, and I was never able to feel all this again. Like, somehow this night took things away from me and I expressed them to you, and you took them with you! It made me feel cold, like if love wasn't for me!" (note 1)


Paris, spring 2012


The family and the friends we are close with always want the best of us, and therefore they adopt the so called "positiveness" as the principle to help us out of the difficult time we suffer from. I did really appreciate of what my people have been trying to help me.  But what I need is not only being positive but also understanding my deep dark sides. Wiping out wounds is good. But if there are scars, you have to take different measures since the legacies will stand there everlastingly. If you merely keeping disguising them with "bright sides", it just like a propaganda. This is why I love so much Julie Delpy's saying as quoted in Before Sunrise:


"I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt." (Note 2)



It was this space where I saw my answer.  It was this space where some sort of essential nature was able to transcend both cultural and language barriers.  It was this space where the darkness was recognize! Positiveness didn't make any difference. Why? Because it's not about dark side. It's about me! It seems that so many people simply forget that the silver linings have always come from the back of clouds. Of course bright side does play a crucial  role in tackling problems and in pursuing the ideal lives. However, overwhelming sunshine is not called silver lining. It is, on the contrary, the sunlight  that will scorch the eyes. 


Now I am here. I am in this adorable Taiwan and I suffer more from  solitude than I did during the days in Sweden. I grotesquely lose the ability to feeling the lovely temperature. I am like a crazy, spoiled zombie who bites people randomly. It is so ironic, isn't it? 


But I will keep trying to reestablish the space and then recapture the answer as I have promised. If it doesn't work, I will just leave. I will lust leave...






Note 1: 
Please see http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Before_Sunset

Note 2:
please see http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/368938-before-sunrise-before-sunset-two-screenplays

The Garden of the Women@奧爾斯多夫公墓(德國漢堡)

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