Oslo, where you could only make friends with fjord

Oslo is the city that I had no chances to visit when I was based in Sweden from 2010-2012. Actually at the time I didn't have the feeling that I must go there. I suppose that one of the reasons was that a friend of mine told me that Oslo was the most boring capital in the world. The high price also served as the straw that blocked my way to this city.

After I came back to Taiwan, I read a book about one guy's life in Norway. It was well written and I really enjoyed the stories and words. Most important of all, the author made this book stand out by presenting deeper insights on what he had observed and learned from Norwegian society and by depicting the "bad sides" of Nordic country that would be only echoed by the people who had Scandinavian experiences. 

I was so thrilled by this book. So when I decided to go back to Europe to see all my friends and and to talk to the professors last year, Oslo was on my must-see list. 

And I did go visit this city last November. I stayed with a Belgium host who was studying at Oslo University. We went for a walk in the forest and ascended to the top of the hill next to his dorm, where one could get a spectacular view of Oslo fjord. This is the best part of the city: one could easily reach nature as if the capital city was located in a national park.

However, one would also easily get bored. Oslo has a very special manner that makes the air seems to be saturated with bored particles. I don't know why, but there is something missing in Oslo that makes this capital city not so charming at first sight. The high price also plays its part here. As a "Swedish" guy who has used to the ridiculous figures seen in super market, its the first time that I felt so desperate when buying food in a supermarket, not to mention that the items you could chose from were much fewer that you did in Sweden and Denmark.  (Well, I might visit the wrong store...lol)

Anyway, even though the first short encounter was kind of good, I did not have a strong motivation to come back either as tourist or a PhD fellow. Oslo was like a beautiful, tranquil lake, but there were no ripples which indicated dynamics as if silence was the only flow of energy.

A couple of days later, I had the second encounter with Oslo. This time I stayed in a hostel. But I had the chance to hang out with a Dutch guy. We went for a walk around the harbor area. There were a lot of restaurants, galleries, and some other fancy buildings, but there were not so many citizens. It was really weird since it's a capital city. Nevertheless, it was also amazing and refreshing because one could enjoy the serenity made of waves hitting the coast. 

At that moment, I found this place attractive. It's a lonely city where you would not be able to have a far-reaching social network, which meant that only very few people fell into the category called "friend". The nature might be considered another friend since you would always hear the same loyalty echo no matter how the world or the people surrounding you have changed. 

I believe Oslo could present thousands of faces. It simply reflects traveler's personality and the way he or she perceives and connect to the world. Therefore, an outgoing person would still be able to brew a nice, warm cup of tea on the basis of cold social relations. As for a depressed person, no matter how charming and bright the city manages to be, all the colorful pieces would still be outshone by the gray clouds.

I believe I still have the opportunity to go back to the city and cultivate different facet of Oslo. I am not sure if I will be able to thaw the permafrost. But I know that the fjord will be standing there, echoing the same sound only I could capture. 

八月三十一日，我在奧斯陸

(本文同時po在批踢踢movie版)

也許是過度解讀，也許是一廂情願地自我投射，但我是真心覺得，與其說<八月三十一日，我在奧斯陸>是在捕捉一個吸毒者是怎樣地無法融入原來的人際關係，倒不如說是在述說一個知道自己生命已然改變的孤者，在尋找能夠理解那份憂傷的人的故事。

「我希望有人能為我真心感到難過。」

其實Anders早就知道自己格格不入了。現在的他，要的不是裝作沒事一般回歸主流生活，也不是要他的親朋好友能待他如往昔。他要的，只是一個能夠了解為何他會走上這條路的人、一個能體會他所付出的代價的人、一個知道這份格格不如有多麼孤寂多麼難受的人、一個能支持他帶著這些傷疤繼續往前邁進的人。只可惜，Anders身邊的人都無法理解那份孤寂，而且還在他面前細許著自己的憂愁。更有甚者，自己最親密的家人與前女友，也無法體會(或者說是無法諒解)，而拒絕與現在的Anders聯繫。

換句話說，孤寂與哀傷等負面情緒，要能夠找到交集，是份非常困難的事情。在明亮的餐廳，女孩的夢想是多麼容易說出口與人分享，但同樣被陽光穿透的公園哩，卻有人默默承受著那無法言喻的哀愁。我相信當哀傷也能夠與人分享的時候，它會因為變得更加真實而形成一股可貴的支持力量。但投身於相對極端的負面事物時(像是吸毒)，幾乎找不到一丁點共鳴就是所必須付出的代價。

如果曾經參與過生命軌跡的人，都無法參透那份孤寂時，就更別期待陌生人了。也許陌生人能帶來歡愉，甚至是溫暖，但那終究不是Anders渴望的能夠長久支撐他得力量，因此他轉身離開泳池，留下看似不解，卻又顯得不甚在乎的女孩。最後他回到自己的家，為自己注射過量的海洛因，回到那份只有自己能理解的情緒裡。也許如此一來，他將會更加孤獨，但是我想，無法為自己的哀傷找到共鳴與交集，也許才是更難讓人承受的孤寂吧。

I owe you an apology, Sweden.

It really got on my nerves if someone asked me about the lives in Sweden.

For the past two years I had been in pursuit of the master’s degree called Human Ecology in Lund University of Sweden. During this span of time, I studied and partied as other international students did. However, I also moved around. I had stayed in seven different places in Lund / Malmö, which was very rare to be seen among the things happening to students. Owing to the nomadic life style, I got few chances to dive into Swedish culture. Besides, the mates I lived with and the friends I got close to were nearly from non-Nordic countries. Namely, what I or we learned could be very superficial and stereotypical. Even though I attended cafe multilingual, where I got to know some nice Swedes, it was hardly found even only one piece of jigsaw to complete the picture.

Maybe language barrier made one of the obstacles. Because I didn’t plan to stay in Sweden after finishing the degree, Swedish class became so secondary; meanwhile, I was busy…and lazy as well, all these factors – or you may call them excuses – led to my illiteracy in Swedish. Language doesn’t guarantee that an outsider could be like the fish in the water forever and ever, but it at least paves the road – no matter how far it can actually reach – for a newcomer to step forward.

Emotion also played important roles in making my excuses. I would say that this was the Lucifer among others. In the beginning, the idyllic scenes of Skåne province as well as the tranquil of Lund did fresh my flesh which had been exhausted by the social ties and mainstream values back in my home country Taiwan. I could still recall how fragrant the air was when I opened the window of my first home I stay, which was located on 10^th floor of a flat, enabling me to overlook the south of Lund. Even the opening chapter of snow – though a bit early at the time – didn’t render the coming difficulty winter foreseeable given that I was obsessed with the white would for the first time in my life.

The good days did not last long. The Nordic put on a cruel face when northern hemisphere moved closer mile by mile to the sun as it has done since the earth emerged. The endless darkness, accompanied by tones of falling snow breaking the record in years, was beyond the mental preparation I have made and transcending all the alarms I had got from my friends. The rural quietude ironically appeared as the once-excited drug that ended up enervating your body. No matter how hard I had tried, it was super difficult to uproot the melancholy planted deep inside.

This very first winter I experienced made me unreasonably critical when confronting any single unpleasant stuff; the accusation of racism in particular. For instance, one day before 2011 Valborg I was hit by an egg-like object thrown from a car passing by. It happened so transient that I didn’t know how many people were in the car, not to mention what they looked like. As I said that this happened when the crazy Valborg was coming, this could be done by someone who couldn’t wait and thus got drunk earlier than other Swedes have always done. In addition, the driver might come from Denmark or other member states of EU. Well, you may say that it was not so cynical attributing this event to racism since the possibility was there and it did cause uncomfortable reaction. OK, there were more. There was a lady in the supermarket across from Lund main station seemed to dislike checking the tag attached to every single apple, which meant that different tags referred to different prices. Under this situation, I didn’t always pay what I got. I perceived this as racism every time the same case happened. Furthermore, the other day I went to a cafe to read the literatures for my thesis. After I finished my drink, a waiter came to me and said that he felt sorry to ask me leave but only the customers who were going to have lunch would be served. I looked around the not-so-crowded space and found that I was the only one being asked to do so given that there were others who ordered drink only. And I also realized that I was the only Asian at that point while others were Swedish, or, at least white.

the Valborg in Lund, 2011

Both of these cases could have some reasons rather than racism. The lady might simply not enjoy her job, and perhaps the man in cafe went asking other customers to leave later when I was not present. However, I was too negative to look at the bright sides. Even the fantastic summer here couldn’t emancipate me from the prejudice built upon my subjectivity and shallow knowledge of this Nordic country. Under this condition, my words with regard to the lives in Sweden, or to the country Sweden, were relatively harsh. Every good part of Swedish life would lose its luster when my bitter experience loomed and then took over the stage.

After finishing my master’s degree, I went to London to take a break from academia. This trip manifested that the life in Lund eventually had come to an end, maybe temporarily, maybe for good. This was my second time being in London. I was still enchanted by its glamorousness and colorfulness. In my case, London is like the antithesis of Sweden. There are many things for sure that can easily disfigure London’s gorgeousness, such as the unpredictable weather and the crazy tourists springing from every corner of the city. Nevertheless, I am still obsessed with it. Every dark side of London would fade its gloom when my fantastic experience shined on the stage. In other words, one can love or hate a place with or without any reason.

How London was highly rated (by me) sometimes, only sometimes, made me want to examine how the life in Lund was underrated. The prejudice and complaints appeared to obscure every single piece of good memory. Was I going to leave Europe with so many unfair comments on Sweden? Did Sweden, or Lund, change me in any good way?

The other day, my friends and I were planning to go somewhere by bus. As soon as I got on the bus, I smiled and said hi to the driver. After a while, I found that I was the only passenger in that queue who had done this. At that moment I saw Sweden in me. In fact I don’t know if it was like an unwritten statute all over Sweden. At least people in Lund / Malmö do so, with heart or not. It was possible that this polite manner was simply a routine. Nevertheless, I still believe that six or seven out of ten times people conduct this with their thanks.

From this event onwards, the good parts of the past two years started to emerge, or, to be recalled; the deadline of paper which did not exist indeed, the F which can possibly be nominal, the men with baby trolleys, the space design which fully embodies gender equality, the second-handed store that can be seen everywhere…etc. All these things represented the alternatives I could have in my life, or served as the mirror which reflected what I can learn from and what I should cling to in order to change, or fight against, the main stream society in Taiwan. Of course all of these values were possibly my shallow observations as well, but at least I started to look at the surface which glowed in the Nordic sunshine.

I do apologize, Sweden. Well I still have to say that the winter is no doubt horrible. Nevertheless, I would like to say thank you for the company. I also appreciate the things you have taught me for the past two years (oh...less than two years since I went to so many places during the stay in Europe); I do change in a positive and subtle way, as you have always done when you stand out in front of the world.