The fascist mind in civil society

Then you see that domination exists even in the thing you have faith in. You start sensing totality, absolutism and flavor of magical thinking. You start capturing how both obedience and intolerance of dissent loom large the way one easily gets terrified. Violence is followed by denials while sacrifice is taken for granted. Eventually you realize the good old days have far gone. You either seek excessive power to reproduce the game rules or leave the once promised land for good. And you know you will, no doubt, choose the latter.

I will always be the on the other side of fascism. If the social actors who dedicate themselves to the rooted democracy ignore or even deny any signs / tendencies of fascism, they will confront with my withdraw and deepest hostility. 

I'd had faith in you, my land. Farewell. 

矛盾

經過今天短暫的談話，我反而更加沮喪困惑。

我選擇不參與審議討論，並不代表我就是選擇坐以待斃。我只是認為，反服貿如果要反得徹底，那就絕對不只是反黑箱/獨裁/中國而已，還要挑戰現行的經濟生產模式(以及伴隨而來的人際關係)。換句話說，反黑箱就是反目前的生活方式。但是，我知道我做不到。我只知道，因懂得規則而擁有社會與文化資本的自己，只能矛盾又悲哀地在可以忍受(或視而不見)的範圍內，對抗新自由主義的浪潮。也因此，在摸出自己的底線之前，我絕對不會抱持樂觀正向的態度去參加任何在我看來處處是新自由主義影子的審議民主。也許我們在某些時候，太過在意民主"決策"與法制"架構"，進而使我們過於專注在塑造所謂的"公民"，而就在這樣的過程當中，我們不僅可能忽略了這些審議討論背後所被忽略的、也該獲得重視的資本累積、分配不均以及相應的社會結構，更可能一個不小心就成了讓新自由主義政府運作得更柔軟(且更合法)的幫兇。

聽起來超級矛盾，但聰明智識有限的我，目前也想不出任何答案了。